Well, I dont speak about this matter so much.
This was happened at my junior high and still hurts yet reminds until now.
[Pardon I'm using english while talk about this. My not so good habit is blabbering in english whenever i'm emotional]
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When I was in junior high, in my puberty, i didn't have my current appearance.
Acnes everywhere.. Black skin.. Curly, wavy, big hair and don't know to calm it down.
I was fat due to puberty back then. Yeah, in short i was so ugly and i dont really give a fuck.
At first, no one give a damn as well.
I had a bunch of good friends, laughed together and talked about boys.
Until a boy came and spotted me as a weak object.
He had black skin (even darker), curly hair (like me) and started to nicknamed me as 'asmat'.
I was not close to him, not even talked before. I dont know why he picked me, maybe because i was stand out and as a girl, im weak.
The nickname is just came out from his mouth, at first I thought, he was acting funny and by acting funny he hoped to make some friends. He doesnt care even if he just hurt a girl and her confidence for a lifetime. Yes, my self esteem is never be the same again :)
I endured the nickname because i thought that was the only way.
Soon, the whole class followed his lead. somehow he was at the upper class and im the lower ones. He had plenty friends yet i made few.
I endured the nickname because i thought that was the only way.
I began to think that being ugly is my fault.
I began to think that being weak object is my fault.
I began to think that all these things happened is because of me.
I began to think that my parents choose a wrong name since they named me 'Putri'
and i ended up called as asmat.
I remember clearly one of my best friend said:
"aku ga suka dia itu panggil panggil kamu asmat. kamu kan ga kenapa napa? emangnya kalo kamu asmat, dia suku apa? dia kan semakin suku ga jelas. dia lho item jelek banget gitu!"
I just laughed.
I knew that time, at life, there's some urgency to marked a weaker person than you before you become the target. Even the weaker person is not as weak as you think before.
And that exactly what he did to me.
I might laughed and enjoyed my junior high, but these kinds way of thinking is just grown inside me.
Up to now,
Every time i failed a relationship or a goal, the first to be blame is me.
It is hard for me to have a good and stable self esteem because of these. It is a cause for me of having a trust issue towards anyone. I'm not easy to open up even to my boyfriend, i need a longer time to courageously pouring out my feelings.
I had several achievements now.
I'm an owner of a garage cafe with two digit monthly sales.
I have six employees, bought a car for my mom, and having a master degree in marketing management.
Still, at some point in my life, i'm still that girl in junior high.
So please, parents.
Pass my messages to your children. Bullying is never cool.
Girls are not weak.
They need to be respected, cared, and no one had rights to be superior than others.
For anyone who is under bullying, trust me.
It is never about you. It is not your fault.
It is always about them. They are waaaaay weaker than you, so they need anyone to be blame over.
You asked about that boy?
I'm not as hurt as at junior high, and i dont have a grudge towards him.
This post is not about revenge.
I just wanna write what i've faced years ago, and let it go. (not with elsa)
Well, last updates from a classmates, no, he doesnt have couple achievements like i do.
I dont know about karma or such, but, i hope things will get better for him.
And the rest of us.
Night :)
ath.
